Tuesday, February 23, 2010

My dear beautiful daughter.. I'm sorry.. so sorry..

mood: heartbroken
craving: to hug her and not let her go

When you become a parent, life changes in ways you can't imagine. Why weren't they born with instructions? Fifteen years ago, the love of my life was born. I forgive her for those extra eighty-pounds I gained. In fact every bit was worth it, it's just the working out after that killed me.
 Last night after I changed my son, I asked my daughter to wash his little bum. She did, and what I did after that, I won't forgive myself and ask God to forgive me. All the sudden, I heard my son screaming in the bathroom, I felt like I was running  in slow motion. There was smoke, I panicked and screamed at my daughter, "What the hell are you doing? You're burning him!!!" The way I yelled was a way I have never yelled before. It was shocking and made her break into tears immediately and just look at me as if she was in a daze. I was in shock to find out that smoke (which I thought it was the steam to the HOT water) was Bukhoor burning in her bathroom. So, if you're running to the bathroom and see smoke, you think, "Oh crap, the water is boiling and it burned the baby." As she was crying in shock, she told me, "Mom, he was screaming because I wouldn't give him the shower head." I was at lost for words, I felt like crap. I wanted to crawl in a hole and just stay there. She ran in her room and I continued to bathe him. I was in shock at how I yelled at her and my mind was racing with things I needed to tell her and wanted to make amends with her, but didn't know how. I wanted her to settle down and wait to go in there to tell her I'm sorry. The rest of my evening was ruined.

Later on before I went to bed, I opened her door (she was sleeping). I sat on the edge of her bed and ask her to please forgive me. I caressed her hair as my heart was beating twenty to nothing and inside I  was dying, hoping she would forgive me. She did...isn't that what all teens do? If not, tell me who doesn't? They just wanna be accepted by their mom and dad and only ask for unconditional love and support. Is that asking to much? I know some of y'all will say, "Don't be so hard on yourself." But, y'all don't understand. Obviously if I feel this way about how I yelled at her, something isn't right. I pray it doesn't happen again. What broke my heart even more, after I gave my son a bath, he ran to her room and hugged her, where she was sitting on her floor, up against her bed crying. He was honestly concerned for her. He'll be two in March. It's amazing how the bond with siblings start at such a young age. They are exactly fourteen years and one day apart.

I know as mothers we're just human. But, I can have a pity party for myself. Can't I? All I can say is if you have a teen in your home, or kids, go and hug them. Tell them that you appreciate everything they do or tell the little ones that even if that day they made you crazy and wanna go in the car and drive far away, you would never have it any other way. You love them. I try damn hard to do my best with her. I really hope I have succeeded and will keep on raising her to the best of my ability. I pray that one day she'll understand the stresses - joy - happiness, of raising kids. She doesn't understand now. One day she will (God's willing) be blessed with little ones. God help her and help all those out there.

Now.. this is to my beautiful amazing daughter...

Salam Alikom (peace be with you) my love.

You light up my life
You give me hope
To carry on
You light up my days
and fill my nights with song
(lyrics from a Debbie Boone song). 
I'm being a little cheesy to make you laugh, but it's so true.

 Ok, here it goes. Since I was pregnant with you, my love, you had the ability to take my breath away.  Through the years you have simply amazed me. Your laugh, smile and your words, always made me happier if i was having a bad day. You really know how to make a person smile and feel special. You're beautiful, inside and out, funny, smart and so freaking loving it's crazy.  I'm you're love, mama. Don't you agree? I wanna just grab you at times and hold you and never let  go.  I can't imagine my life without you. We have tons of silly moments together. You're the princess of silly, because we all know I'm the Queen. How could I not love you? 

Dancing in the kitchen while preparing our meals and singing together while driving in the car. Shopping until our feet feel like their gonna fall off.  We're an awesome mom and daughter team, aren't we? You're always the life of the party. You're always so helpful when we have gatherings, when most teens would be in their own world. Not you, baby girl, you're always there to lend a helping hand or two. Helping me out and making sure all the guests are always very comfortable. You're the daughter so many long for. You're the daughter I will always love and cherish and adore. Never change for anyone. Always be yourself.

You're da bomb.....

I love you with all my heart and my soul..

Love, Mama

Parenting is a hard job.

 I wanna take a moment to thank my mom. She passed away many years ago.

Thank you, Mom, for always being there for me and loving me unconditionally. I miss our crazy times together, miss our movie nights with pizza and tons of junk food. I miss us singing in the car together and laughing so hard we cry. I miss the talks we used to have and the dancing in your kitchen. I miss your tight hugs and kisses. I miss you chasing me with your shoe, because I did something wrong. And at the end of the chase we would fall on the floor laughing so hard, with our legs up in the air holding our tummy's. I miss you and I miss your voice, your love and  your smell.

Mom 1941-1996:- You will always be loved and missed.

final whisper: Will you forgive me? I love you so much, it hurts. Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile.


.::Tuttie::. said...

that is one beautiful baby girl. mashaAllah.

Do something special for her, like having a girls day out (if it is possible unless the baby is still nursing). When it comes to mothering I am kind of winging it. I just recently (after I became Muslim) started to have a relationship with my mother. I honestly don't know what I will do if I have a girl. I started hanging out with sisters that had daughters so I could see the dynamics and how a healthy relationship is supposed to be. MashAllah you had an excellent example in your mother.

Durriyyah said...

MashaAllah, you can feel your love through your words here. She will see your remorse and regret over what happened, and that will stand out above all inshaAllah. We all make mistakes, but it is how we go forward from them that matters and you are taking steps in the right direction.

OmAbdullah said...

You read this to me earlier today and you heard me sobbing like a mad woman LOL

This is a truly beautiful post! And your daughter is all those things you said and MORE mashaAllah a million times! InshaAllah ya rubb my daughter and I will have a close beautiful relationship like you two mashaAllah

This post is so touching! May Allah bless your family!

I love you both loads ! you know this! and your ity bity boy too of course heheh

Twizzle said...

as-salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah,

I was trying to hold back tears and then my dh started dancing funny in in front of me while you were reading it to me and I was trying to concentrate and getting mad at my dh at the same time LOL

he didn't realize I was listening to something serious--although he should have when I first got mad at him by pushing him away LOL

well, I read this and stared tearing up again. Mashallah for the love you have for each other :)

we all make mistakes sis and the most important is that you realize them, apologize, and hope the person can forgive you as your daughter has done.

May Allah always keep your bond tight and that you never lose that special bond you share.

Shahirah Elaiza said...

Mother-daughter relationships are out of this world, mashaAllah.

Very touching post =)

Aalia said...

Asalaamu `alaikum,

Awwww poor girl!! Maybe you yelled at her because your first reaction was just concern for your son. Well I am glad she forgave you, alhamdulillah :-) I really do love your daughter and I wish inshaa'Allah my girls will be as loving and helpful to me too. She really is a good girl mashaa'Allah <3

You two take care and may Allah keep blessing your mother-daughter bond, ameen.

Noor said...

I think it takes a strong person to admit any mistakes they may have done and an even stronger one to apologize. You did something and you saw it and that is a lot. I am sorry this happened sometimes shaytan whispers in our ear and makes these things happen. Shes a very good kid mashAllah and I am sure she understood. Love you all..

*Gazelle* said...

aww mashallah that got me tearing up! Shes a beautiful girl inside and out and I know your an amazing mum <3 May your bond always remain strong.

that's me said...

Mashallah!! beautiful girl....this happened to me some times with my mom, I'm the oldest and some times they give you some responsabilities and we must to understand they do it coz they really trust in us to do it, but if some mistake happen then sure they will correct us and some times like all humans the way is not the best.....you did it right after some time you should speak with her and explain to her exactly why were you shouting at her...she must to know your concern about the bb and we don't born knowing all, we are humans and make mistakes, so the way wasn't the best but that was your feeling at that time....explain all this to her and also make her feel how important is she and why you asked her to bath the bb...coz you trust in her.....and you will always do it...and all things happen for reasons (god want it that way) so this is a reason to make more close your relationship with her now in this time that she is changing...

annfrendly said...

it's so touching..
i had cried while reading this..
it's really touch my heart.
you such a great and wonderful mother..
your son and daughter are lucky for having a lovely mother like you.

~your daughter is so beautiful, must be same as you~

Another-Penelope said...

ur such a great mother and she's lucky to have you ^_^ allah e6wl 3mrch le 3yalch, You see my mom was a tough one when I was young there was no hugging or showing love and so on ,so u know hows it like, though I had a hard time in being a teenager that had a big problem with mom and there was a less in touch and more hatred but now I begin to understand that she does love me and took a good care of me in what she does and sacrifice for me with her actions, I forgave her for her cruelness but since I turn into 20's, she's way different to kindness which made my life so much better than before, I think getting closer relationship to a daughter would make her life more fulfill of happiness and safe, without love,then the kids especially teenagers will look for love from someone else such as having boyfriends or girlfriends, I know its weird but that's the fact from what people I know have had that bad experience.

UmmRania said...

Salamu Alaikum

*writing with tears running down face*

Amber, I am sorry that your mom yelled at you, but I know it was from panic and not that she doesnt trust you, forgive her, she loves you more than you can imagine (until you have your own baby). And believe me you have an AMAZING mom, I pray to Allah that I can be such a mom like that, mashaAllah and I pray that my kids will grow to be as wonderful as you!

Love you both!

Esell said...

asalamu allikum,

subhanaAlah what a post, I wish I had words to tell all your loved ones how amazingly loving and caring you are for your family/friends mashaAllah
I am so sorry it happened but like others said it was just out of your worry for your son and I am sure Amber knows that and alhamdulilah she has already forgiven you.
YOU two are one of the best mother and daughter and that means YOU and your mother were as amazing as you two are now mashaAllah.
I really admire your relationship with your mother and daughther.
I love your mom and Amber for you , I miss your mom as I have known her for years through your words :(
I love you my one and only sweety meety
may Allah bless you and your family ameen!
Love to Amber and Azooz *hugs*

Clever Foxy said...

I think noone could be moved by your story more than me, because what you were afraid of actually happened with my son by accident when he was just around 5 months old. It was horrible, we spent night running from one hospital to another ending up just with some cream for burns and I had to deal with that daily for like two weeks at least every time I changed his diaper... Despite all the horror he was smiling the very same night. My strong boy! May Allah bless him.

Princess said...

Salam Alaykom sis

this post is so personal and beautiful, it made me cry! my mommy passed away this past Ramadan *Allah yrhamha and grant her Jannat Firdous* and we had the most amazing relationship, she really was my everything- my best friend, the sister i never had, and truly the best mother a girl could ever ask for. mother/daughter relationships are so special n irreplaceable cuz no matter how many of our best girlfriends are around, nobody understands quite like mama does.

Masha'Allah, it sounds like you're an awesome mom, n you and your daughter seem like such a great team. Allah ye7fe'9kum w y5leekom L ba3'6! thanx for sharing such a powerful post with us sis! <3 <3

Texan in UAE said...

I want to thank all you sisters for all the warm words. She did forgive me and we hugged and sobbed. She knows I love with all my heart. ((((((hugs)))))) for everyone's beautiful words. It honestly means a lot to me.

Tuttie honey, Jazkay Allah Khair sister. Yes, today we're going for a picnic by the sea. It should be fun. My son just stopped nursing 2 months ago. Alhamdulilah. Again, Thanks for the warm words. I value you sisters thoughts.

Texan in UAE said...

Durriyyah habibti, HOw we go forward is exactly right. I'm only human and I do make mistakes.:( But, every mistake is a learning lesson. Alhamdulilah. ((((hugs)))) Thanks for keeping up with my blog... :))))

Texan in UAE said...

Om A, Yep, we were both sobbing like babies. I love you and I can always count on you day or night. I'm very blessed to have a best friend, like you. Your words always mean a lot to me. ((((hugs))))give yourself a hug from me, until I see you. LOL

Texan in UAE said...

Twizzle, LOL you made me laugh out loud. LOL Alhamdulilah I did realize my mistake. Jazkay Allah Khair for being there for me always. You mean the world to me and more. I'm very blessed to have you as one of my best freinds. I don't know what I would do without you and OM A's love. My love always... Until we see each other again! (((((hugs))))))

Texan in UAE said...

Shahirah Elaiza, Thanks! sis. Yes, they are.. Just wait until you become a mommy. <3 Thanks for keeping up with my blog. <3

Texan in UAE said...

Aalia, wa alikom salam yes, that was my concern, for my son's well being. I know we as mothers can be a tiny itsy bitsy over protective.LOOOL But, if we weren't, who would be? Ameen to your dua, honey. Thanks for keeping up with my blog. :))))(((hugs)))

Texan in UAE said...

Noor, Jazkay Allah Khair sis. Yes, indeed the devil (shaytan) whispers in our ears. May Allah keep us safe for this ameen

Love you Noor! and appreciate your feed back and support. Means a lot to me. (((((hugs))))))

Texan in UAE said...

Gazelle, Ameen to your duas. Again, you sisters are amazing. Jazkay Allah Khair for being there. Your words are always valued. :)))) ((((hugs))))

Texan in UAE said...

that's me, I like your advice. Masha'a'Allah. Your becoming a favorite of mine on advice. Masha'a'Allah. For english being a second language to you, you do wonders. masha'a'Allah. I will take in all your advice. Until next time. Thanks a billion. ((((((hugs)))))

Texan in UAE said...

annfrendly, awe your sweet. I'm touched. Keep on coming to visit. I love hearing what you have to say. (((((((hugs)))))))Thanks sis!

Texan in UAE said...

Another-Penelope, I'm happy your mom and you are closer. Makes my heart sing. :))) Life throws us all kinda of balls. Some of them are hard, while others are a lot softer. It's how we deal with them at the end. I pray you and your mom become a lot closer. Nothing is more special than mother daughter relationship. Your right about teens looking for love some place else. If they don't get it from their parents. Sad, but true. Thanks sis, for stopping by. I'm getting attached to all you sisters who make y'all's rounds to my little world. It means a lot. (((((((hugs)))))))

Texan in UAE said...

UmmRania, you always make me cry. We have known each other for years and you always continue to amaze me. Your words are some of the most touching. I love you so much and know that you are an AMAZING sister and an AMAZING, mama!!!! All my love always and forever. (((((hugs)))))) my beautiful sister.

Texan in UAE said...

Esell, you my dear are the loving,caring and amazing sister. Your always there for others. Even through all your hardships you've been there. All these years I've never met a sister as concerned for people as you. Your heart is warm and wide. Always be this way. You have made a big difference. Amazing, Esell. My sister, my friend. ((((((hugs)))))I love you!

Texan in UAE said...

Clever Foxy, I'm sorry what happened to your son. Subhan'aAllah! ya Allah. I can't imagine. Miskeen (poor thing) Ameen to your dua... ((((hugs)))))

Texan in UAE said...

Princess, after reading what you typed out, I just wanna give you a big hug.

'Inna lillahi wa inna illaihi raji uun'
(What comes from Allah goes back to Allah).

May Allah give her the highest place in jannah and make it easy for you and let y'all met again in jannah ameen

I feel for you. Your entry brought me to tears. I'm very sorry. If you ever wanna talk. Let me know. Insha'a'Allah I can help you. It's been not even a year for you. In that year, I went though so much. My mind wasn't working and I just felt like I wanted to die. Subhana'Allah! I think if I was Muslim, I would of dealt with it a lot different. I know I would of. I'm concerned how your doing now? I would like to help. Anything I could do? It feels like your world is caving in. Let me know habibti. No one knows better than a person who went though the same.

You are loved and you are going to keep going forward. all my love. Your sister in Islam. ((((((hugs)))))))

I value everyone's comments. I love y'all. Until the next entry. God bless and take care.

[[[ x Smiley x ]]] said...

Aww, this bought tears to my eyes, its such a touching post.
Your daughter is beautiful mashAllah and you're a wonderful mother.
I love what you said here "ell them that you appreciate everything they do or tell the little ones that even if that day they made you crazy and wanna go in the car and drive far away, you would never have it any other way" Its so true!

May the Almighty keep you all safe and happy and may He be with you always, Ameen :]

A Blessing in Tragedy said...

Children are more resilient than you think. I was much more resilient and less fragile when I was 15 than I am at 30. Trust me, she might remember this incident for a long while, but you are her mother, the event will find it's self in a place that wont hurt either of you in 30 years.

Texan in UAE said...

x Smiley x , sweetie thanks for your words. masha'a'Allah ameen to your dua.. <3 :))))

A Blessing in Tragedy, You are so right about us being more resilient at our older ages. Subhana'Allah. I think we really weren't then, cause teens just don't think. :) Thanks your words. They made me feel a whole heck of a lot better. :))

Miss Dreamer said...

Hey Texan,

My first comment in your blog:)
I loved your post, the way you express your feelings is very touching and makes one really experience the sensation you aim to demoenstrate. May Allah keep your beautiful daughter safe and happy ans smiling all the time. You are a great mother, I can feel it.

Love your layout and everything;P

Texan in UAE said...

LOL blessing in tradjedy! it's the other way around. We are not as resilient as we used to be, in our older age. LOOOOOOL I musta been half asleep. :)))

@ Miss Dreamer - welcome welcome. Ameen to your duas, sweetie. Thanks for your sweet sweet sweet words. Very much appreciated. :)))) (((hugs))) Blog layout is designed by Umm Talal. Go look at teh bottom of the page. :)) come back!!! :)

Princess said...

Ameen to your du3a! n thanx so much for all your kind words and for caring sis, you're much appreciated. if you have msn, you can add me:


if not, you can e-mail me at that address as well. <3 <3

Nadia said...


Sis, I know sometimes we do over react in some situations with our kids... But as much as I know you troughout these years knowing each other online I know you love her and do your best and alhamdulilah you seem to have been doing a great job mashaAllah! One time like this will not alhamdulilah "break" her and she is smart girl so I am sure she forgave you and will understand you ... we are all just human and never perfect.. :)

(btw its nenna!)

Umm Ququ said...

As salam alaikum ukhti Amani.

Yes being a mother is a hard core job subhanAllah..25 hour day shifts, no rest and sometimes no showers for days..i feel what life is really about now when someone depends on you all the time. I have to thank my mother too for the hardship she has endured for me and my siblings.

About what happened with your daughter, dnt take it heavy on your heart. Sit with her, say whats on your heart and connect with her.. im sure she will appreciate this more than anything in the world.. mummy time as a teen is the best gift one can have.

May Allah bless you and your family with the best of this life and the next life.Ameen. Allah humma salli ala Mohammed ameen.

hugs and loves

oldie goldie said...

i see that i never commented this post. i have read it before though. mashaAllah, you're a great mom habibty. and i know how those days are, i've had them too.

Zufash said...

Ohhh my Gosh, this is so touching! I'm not a mother, but I have been helping my family raise my little niece, who's like 2 years old, and I love and long for her so much I feel like she's my own daughter. I'm currently away from her by a few states, and I'm going home in a couple of weeks because I really can't stand this separation from her. She talks to me on Skype, and I am quite sure she wonders each time why I can't just jump out of the screen - the same way I wonder the same thing!

Babies! They add so much joy to life!

You must be a very good mother to admit that you've made a mistake and to ask for forgiveness from your child and to strive to be an even better mother. God bless you and your family! Aameen.

Islam Muslimah said...

Masha'Allah this was such a TOUCHING POST!!!!! i was nearing tears!!!

I pray that all those who don't have children (including myself) will get the true blessing from Allah to be a parent...... Ameen!

what a lovely mommy you are masha'Allah!!


Because life is beautiful.


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