craving: sitting and laughing with my special someone
my son holding my daughter's arm as they sleep
As I'm watching my kids interact with each other, I can't help but reflect on how fast the years went by. They're exactly fourteen years and one day apart. I know that's a big difference, but in years to come, it won't be such a big difference. I need and want them to be close to each other. I want them to know they can always count on each other. Trying to pick the pieces of my life up now, I have a lot on my mind and reflecting and watching my kids is what makes me realize how much love I have in my heart. I don't know how to put all my words that I think of in typing type, so y'all can know and feel exactly how I'm feeling. I guess it will always be a mystery to how this Texan is feeling. Somedays are better than others. Somedays, I can care less at what happened. But, we know that's not true. Then that one thing triggers everything and I go back to zero and start all over again. I still cry and I still feel a lot of heartache. I always say, "This is life and this is God's will." But, let me tell y'all something: I always have a positive outlook on my life! It could be worse and I will not give up. I can't. Not for anyone else, but for my self. I know people always say, live for your kids and do for your kids blah blah blah. But, if I only lived for my kids and only did for my kids and didn't take care of me, how would I take care of them? It's always nice that I have a big strong circle of great friends and my dad to support me when I have those down moments. I can't allow myself to have a lot of down moments. I need to be strong and when I think I just can't go on anymore, I ask God to help me. Not to my surprise, when I do call on his help, I feel like a new person.
I feel when I'm writing, I'm in a different world. I have to listen to music when I write, today I'm listening to a lot of 70's.. I feel at peace. I tune my world out and I'm just with my thoughts and my audience who is reading. Sometimes, I know I don't make sense, but what makes sense in this world anymore? My moments have been filled with joy, sadness and every other emotion y'all can think of. Oddly enough, Come Sail Away With Me by Styx just started playing. It's perfect for the way I'm feeling. This entry was kind of random and just about my inner feelings. I wonder when I will stop writing about my feelings. I guess never. I hope the next entry will be something different. I'll think. Well, I should go. My kids are craving my attention now. I have to snap out of this other world and back into reality. I'll be back and I hope this entry didn't have y'all all over the place. I promise I'm not on any drugs. I just got caught up in the moment. I think tonight I'll go out with one of my close friends. I need to vent. Trust me, my venting isn't like the regular. I need to laugh and not talk about the past. I need to feel free. Free of my feelings that I have deep inside of me. I keep telling them to go away and never come back. But, that's next to impossible. I think a person's past life is what defines you. Your life is what makes you you. You either break in the heat of the hard times, or you flourish. I want to flourish and I like to think I am.
This is dedicated to my best childhood friend, Jessica. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I always think about when we first met each other. I was eight years old and you were six and we had no worries at all. Good times. Now we both have seventeen year olds and they're becoming so close, like we were and are. <3 All my love, hugs and kisses. You are my heart.
final whisper: "In good times and bad times, I'll be on your side for ever more.. that's what friends are for"