Sunday, June 26, 2011


mood: relaxed
craving: ❤La Madeleine with my sisters ❀

Salam Alykom and Hello to all my followers out there. The weekend is over and we just relaxed all weekend. I hope y'all enjoy your up coming week.

❝Don't change yourself for somebody else. If they don't like the way you are, then find somebody that will love every one of your imperfections.❞

It's time to let go.. time to carry on with the show..
don't mourn what is gone, greet the dawn n' I will be standing by your side together we'll face the turning tide.

final whisper:❝Take Risks in Your Life"
If u Win, U Can Lead!
If u Loose, U Can Guide!❞

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

How do you heal a broken heart?

mood: somber
craving: to see my friends back in UAE. T <3 M <3 C <3 S <3 K <3  I love y'all and miss y'all.

As I was driving tonight with my kids, I turned to my daughter and said, "I know he loved me." She looked at me and said, "Mom, sometimes when people are hurt they say spiteful things." I think thats why he told you, 'I stopped loving you a while back.' And in turn you told him something that hurt him."

I sighed and said, "Yeah, maybe your right. No, you're right." I turned the radio louder, as if I wanted to drown out the silence. I started reminiscing about all the good and crazy times we had together. I wondered when this hurt was gonna stop. Is he the only man in my life that I will love? Is he gonna be the only man to laugh at my crazy jokes and no matter what crazy faces I would make while we were joking. Just to see the look in his eyes when he would laugh at me, was priceless. Whose gonna sit in front of me while I'm putting my make-up on and stare at me and watch me as I put every color on my face. Whose going to be that one person who's gonna love me for me? I know it sounds funny, but I've loved one man in my life and it's Abu Azooz. How will I love another? Alas, it's over.  I pray that Allah puts that love in my heart when the right man comes in my life and I love him for the sake of God and treat him with respect and in turn he does the same. I'm not ready to marry anytime soon. And as a Muslim woman, we don't date.  But, when that time does come. I pray God sends someone with a strong deen and someone who will respect me. I won't take anything less. I deserve this. "I've learned- That writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains." <--- Thanks, Miss Dreamer.. I do miss you.  <=== What a awesome blog.

Side note; anyone who tells me to go back with him. I can't.. This is simply my little rant for the day. I get to do this. Writing puts everything in perceptive for me. 

final whisper: "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met."

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Some more thoughts...

mood: reflective
craving: that hug from one of the most amazing women in the world - My son's grandmother.

Salam Alykom to my brothers and sisters and Hello to my lovely non-Muslims. I hope everyone is having a great week. I'm sure y'all are ready for the weekend. I know I am. That's the only time I get to spend with some of my special sisters. <3

Azooz and his grandfather

Today has been one of those days. I spent some time chatting with my sister in law. Can I still call her that?  Well, she is my sister in Islam. So, I can say my sister, my sister who I miss with all my heart.  I was telling her today a lot of what I felt. I told her, "Well, I have to admit, I got a lot of good things out of this marriage. I met the most amazing family in the world, who I will always love and cherish and never forget." In turn she said something that made my heart melt. I'll be humble about it and just keep it between her and I.  She was concerned if I'm happy and so sad that all this had to happen. Mostly concerned that this will affect our son and he's the one who will suffer. Sadly, that's what happens in divorce. Knowing that this situation is such a different case (since his father doesn't live here in the states) we will have to treat it different.  I was thinking about everything that we chatted about while I was washing dishes a little bit ago. Tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn't help but remember my mother in law and how when I first met her, she came up and  hugged me and greeted me with the warmest smile. I knew that I was right where I should be. Her hugs always felt so warm and I felt the love she had for me immediately.

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you

All in all, I thought about not writing about my past anymore and what I feel and felt then. But, you know this is a healing process and I had ten years with Abo Azooz (father of Azooz) and it won't go away just like that. It takes time. Plus, this is my blog and I get to write what I want. :) I'm moving on. They say time heals. They're right. Time does heal.  This journal is a therapy for me and it feels good to reflect on good times with the people I love. I like to always write positive things about people I love.  Even if no one ever read my blog again, it would still comfort me to know that I'm writing for a good cause. I try to help people out there in the world, struggling maybe with issues like mine. If not like mine, they're different and let them know that life isn't perfect. There are many struggles and heartache in life. If there wasn't, there would be no purpose to strive for better.

Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.
I've said in other blog entries: if I've helped one person out there, that would make me feel awesome. If I made one person smile after or while they're having a bad day, I would be so happy. I ask God to always make us appreciate the big and small things in this short life and always strive for better. I ask Him to protect us from the bad out there and to keep us on the straight path always. 

Many of my friends and family ask me, "If you had to do it all over again, would you?" I reply without a thought. YES and YES and YES again and again. With a big smile. I don't regret a thing in my life. I really don't. The last ten years of my life was like a fairy tale. My son was the best gift I got out of all this. The second best thing was getting to know my in laws and sharing my love with them and in turn them giving me their love and showing me what genuine people they are. May God protect them always and give them good in this life and the hear after and forgive their shortcomings AMEEN

We miss y'all. Yes, we do. Much love and many kisses and hugs. I will never in my life forget how you made us feel.  My sons reflection is y'all. I promise he will know y'all. 

Dearest Aboya (my father in law) & Yumma (Mother in law) I will always remember all the love you gave us. Y'all will forever be in my heart and most importantly my prayers.

final whisper: Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted

Saturday, June 18, 2011

A new beginning...

mood: nostalgic
craving: vanilla coke

salam alykom and hello to everyone. It's gorgeous outside today, I just wanna be out all day with my kids and have some fun. My childhood best friends are coming over in about 30 minutes, so I'm sure I won't finish with this entry. But, I'll try. Have a nice rest of the weekend, my dolls.  To my Middle eastern sisters and brothers, I hope y'all had a nice weekend, because it's work tomorrow for y'all.. Have a blessed week and don't forget to always smile... :) :) :)

my mom when she was 30

Well, today marks my late mother's birthday. I think of her everyday and I don't need a birthday to think of her. But, I can't help to think how she loved birthdays. She would of been 70 years old today. I can't imagine what she would of looked like if she was alive today. She was always such a charismatic, beautiful, gentle lady.  Just to give you an example of my mom: I would come home from school when I was a teen and my friends would be visiting with my mom. They would love to talk to her and ask her for advice. She was always good at giving advice and always so positive in any bad situation. She would always know what to tell you and have you smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation. She was my best friend. I miss her. But, this is life and there's one thing that we can't get away with. That's death . All of us will face it one day. I wish she was here today to give me  advice about me starting over in my life. I long for her advice and her smile. I want to hear her soothing voice and feel her arms wrapped around my body. I want to feel her gentle kiss on my head and feel her stroke my hair and tell me, "Everything will be GREAT, Kristina." I want that feeling that only a mother can give. But, now I have to make my path and only go on what I would hear her tell my sisters and my friends when they were having problems. I will always remember her advice. Am I scared about being on my own? Yeah, a little bit. I would be lying if I said, "No." I was very much spoiled in this last marriage and everything was done for me. I didn't have to work and I was dependent on a man. I promise to never do that again, I promise to always depend on my self. The only other man I will always depend on is my most awesome father. He is the most loving, caring man. In my world, he is everything. Boy, do I have a awesome pair of parents. I'm so lucky.

 My dad when he was 28
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.

Today also marks the first time Abu Azooz and I met. What a day!  I never would of thought that ten years later, I would be divorced to a man I once loved. My world was complete. Now, I wouldn't say my world is over. I'll just say, it's a new beginning for my two children and I. I pray that I will always be here for my kids and I will be the best mother. It means so much to me to see them always smiling. They're my world. My seventeen year old daughter texted this to me the other day.

Her and I were having a conversation before she went to school. I went to brush my teeth and when I came out , she was gone. She texted me a bit later from school and she said, "I love you." This is when Abu Azooz came and I was just really confused and she didn't want to go back to UAE.. So, here it is..

9 months old.. My beautiful daughter Seventeen years ago.

Daughter: Are you okay? I wanted to talk to you this morning, but I left.

Me: Yeah, a little distorted

Daughter: You can make a good life for yourself, even if you just make baby steps. You could be a photographer and charge for pictures! You can make yourself  successful! You're an awesome Make-up artist and people want you to work for them when we always go look at make-up.You can do what you love and not look at it as 'work'.  Not everything is hard. It's only hard if you make it hard. I know you have been through so much this past year, but please Mom, you have to be strong. I know what he's offering is very tempting. It's even tempting to me. But I don't want to go back. Nothing is going to make this situation better. If you DID write a book, the book would be amazing.  Because your life has been amazing. And you're a beautiful, wise woman.You don't have to rely on a man for money, Mom. If we work together, my little brother will have a great life here in America. It's possible. Mom, you can have a good life here in America! You just have you want it.

I know you know what you want. Don't be scared. Conquer your fears.. Just do it.

Ya, that's my daughter. She's a pretty amazing for a seventeen year old. I've never met anyone like her. As matter of fact, everyone who meets my daughter , are always very shocked at how mature and smart she is. Sometimes I think my mom lives in her. I'm very blessed and thankful to God for all the blessings He's giving us. I'll make it. Inshallah. (only with the will of God) Here's to a new beginning.. Let's see what the world is gonna offer me... Or better yet, let's see what I can offer the world.

final whisper: The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

No One Really Wins


craving: to always see my son happy

Salam Alykom and hello to all my readers I hope everyone is having a great weekend. For my friends in the middle east, your weekend is over today. I hope y'all made the best of it. On to my entry.

This past year has been very hard on me. The only thing that has kept me in good faith is God. When I was in despair, I cried out to him. I always had hope and faith my situation would get better.  My feelings of being away from somewhere where I was going to make my life and people I loved/still love were all over the place. Sometimes in life you have to listen to your heart and try to make the best descion for you and the ones you love. My decision was to stay in America. It was a hard decision, but at the end of the day I'm not going to make a decision that will harm my son and daughter. I don't think any mother would. I would of never thought almost, ten years later, I would be in this situation. Divorce is never easy and the kids are the ones that suffer.. Unfortunately.

Both parents being in the same city is  hard on the kids, imagine thousands of miles away?

Well, I'm sure everyone wants to hear what the verdict of who our son will stay with ... The judge decided it would be best if our son stayed with me. Am I happy? Yes, of course. I love my son and always want him with me. But, on the other hand, I'm also compassionate towards his father in this sense. I threw everything we went through out the window. Him and I are over as husband and wife. Now my main concern is how my son and his father will keep in touch as much as possible.  I'll do all it takes to make sure that my son will stay in touch with his father whom he loves and adores and vice versa.

What this entry is really about.... No one really wins in a divorce. It's a sad situation on both parts. My son's father loves him and he is a caring father. We just now have to work together to keep him and our son's realationship open and happy. I'm all for that. One million percent for that. What happened between him and I is between us and now it's over. Now the real work will start. That's trying to keep their loving father-son realationship together. Nothing is easy in this life, but when you work hard at it, and you have people who are willing to work with you, it's easy. I know that Abu Azooz (father of azooz) will try his best to always keep in touch with his son.

I will start my life now. Everything in the past is over and the main point now is doing everything I can to keep my son's father in his life. Showing my son what a beautiful, rich culture he has. Talking to him about his loving family back in United Arab Emirates. Getting an Arabic teacher to start teaching him how to speak Arabic the right way. I don't pronounce the words correctly and I want my son to learn the right way.  Telling him that someday he will see his family again. God's willing. Yesterday as I was driving, this song came on called I'm Already There by Lonestar. I couldn't contain my tears.. It's the father telling his family  he will never be far away from them.

 Well, Monday is going to be a hard day for Abu Azooz  and I. Abu Azooz will say good-bye to his son. I know this isn't easy for him. But, I'm praying that he comes to see him often. Skype is always good, too. I ask Allah (God) to give my son and his father a nice loving, caring, strong relationship and to make everything easy for all of u.

final whisper: on to another chapter in my life.. Good bye Abu Azooz. May Allah give you everything you ask for in your life and  reward you for the good times and love you showed us. You will always be in my prayers. I always want good for you. Sorry everything had to happen like this. But, Allah knows what's best for us and we just have to say, "Alhamdullah" (thank you God). You have taught me many things in this life, I will take the good and run with it. I hope you always remember the good times we had. You gave me the best thing in this life. Our son. Just know, he will be taken care of and he is very much loved.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


mood: hopeful
craving: a walk in the rain

Salam Alykom and Hello to all my followers and readers... This weekend was nice and we got to spend a lot of time with some of my closest friends... One of my best friends is here from, Del Rio, Texas. Her and her daughter. I can't wait to have a full week with her. Here's a upbeat post for all you out there who need to smile. :) I know when I saw this, it made me smile.

final whisper: Nice having you around V & A - this update is for y'all ;)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Not without my son

mood: always happy
craving: to be left alone and stop being harassed

Salam Alykom and Hola to all my followers .. I hope everyone is having a great weekend. So far the kids and I have had a nice weekend. On to my entry. :)

I guess a lot of you are wondering, why is TEXAN back in TEXAS? Well, it all started last year. I hadn't been back to the States in almost ten years. When we started having problems in the beginning of last year, my son's father suggested my daughter and I come back to visit. I said, "My daughter and I only? No way! I'm not going without my son." He argued with me on that and said I was not to take his son out of UAE without him, his father. I still didn't agree, and thank God my all my in laws were on my side. He told me he would come with my son during our month of Ramadan to pick my daughter and I up. Well, when the news hit his parents, hell hit the fan. His father was very much against it and said, "This is your son;s mom and he will go with her." Basically saying, what's wrong with you. My father in law made sure that my son's father got a passport to the States and off we went. That first week away from UAE, I was honestly hopeful that everything would work out between my husband and I. I trusted him and believed him, even after he was so bad to me. My heart was broken and my mind wasn't as alert as it was before.

They always warned me; They change when they move back to their country. Not all, of course. I know some sisters who have wonderful ARAB husbands. But, it's different. Yeah, they weren't joking when they said this. It's like he turned into a different person. Here I was: I gave up my family and my country to go with a man I loved and adored. If you were to ask me... if I would do it over again. I would because I have grown from these experiences, experiences that a lot of people don't get.  I was treated like well until the last year and that's what broke us.  I won't say what he has done to me, I feel this is between us and it's something big or I would never be back here in TEXAS. My close friends and family know about it. But, I will not reveal it to anyone else, now.

Ok, sorry I got off track. Well, it's been almost a year since seeing him and I tried to go on with my life.  These last couple of months have been getting better.. I started to realize that I will not go back. In this year, I can count on one of my hands how many times my son's father had called. And the money- well let's just say he's sent money only a couple of times. Sad but true. If he wanted us to work out he wouldn't have waited a year to come to Texas to get my kids and I. He showed up on my door step on Sunday without any notice and wanted us back. I knew it wasn't me he wanted back, it was his son he wanted back. But, since it's such a shame for 'ARABS' to divorce, he would of stayed without the love.

Divorce is something very big in our religion and very much disliked by God. However, in cases like mine and many others, we have no choice. I can't ever be in a marriage where the respect is gone. Never. He is here in Texas now and we are battling this out in court. My first court date is soon and we are praying that the judge is in favor for me. My son has been with me, his mother, for his 3 yrs of life. In our religion, the kids stay with the mom for the first 7 yrs if the parents get divorced. This is the shariah law in our religion. If I went back to UAE, my son would automatically stay with me. Plus I would get all the benefits I do deserve,  Islamically.  If I remarried, he would go to his father. If his father is remarried, he goes to the grandparents. So, that's not the case with us. I won't go back to his country. Period. Now my husband is fighting for custody to take our son away from me and get him back to UAE.

I got my lawyer and will fight for my son. Please pray for me and know that in Islam, the kids stay with the mom (unless she is unfit). Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a good mother- my kids are my life... Money means nothing to me. He can tell me to go back to UAE and tell me that I can get anything I want, like, I used to get, and more. But if that was what I wanted, I would be back there living a miserable life, like that last year I lived. Money is nice, but it can't buy happiness.. No way, no how. I live a humble life now and truly know that happiness isn't all about money. I have diginity and will raise my kids this way too.

A man came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man said. "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your father."
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 2

‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr narrated that a woman came to the Prophet sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam and said: O Messenger of Allah, my womb was a vessel for this son of mine, and my breasts gave him to drink, and my lap was a refuge for him, but his father has divorced me and he wants to take him away from me. The Messenger of Allah sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to her: “You have more right to him so long as you do not remarry.” [Ahmad & Abu Dawood; classed as hasan by al-Albaani]

I will not let my sons father raise him intolerant to non-Muslims or to Americans. That's just what he wants to do. Raise him to hate America and to hate non-Muslims. This is not Islam. We have enough hate in the world. My kids will never be raised this way by me.

bottom line is... When you marry a man of a different culture, it's very hard and I now know to stick to my fellow Americans. :) So, think long and hard about marrying someone of a different culture. Be it, French, German or Indian. Not just Arabs

BTW: look out for my book... :) coming soon. 

final whisper: thanks to all my friends (sisters in Islam) and family & childhood friends for being right beside me in this time in my life. I love y'all. Ameen to all the prayers.
Because life is beautiful.


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