Friday, February 24, 2012

Embrace The Reality

mood: thoughtful 
craving: time with my sisters (YaY, weekend is here)

Salam Alykom and Hello to all my readers out there. I've been MIA for a while, it's just that I've had the worst writer's block ever and I couldn't think of anything to write. But, that said, I've had such an interesting couple of years since I've been back in the USA. So, from time to time I write about my feelings from the past and the present, still trying to handle things that have changed. It takes time and I have just that... time. Anyways, enough about me, how's everyone doing? I miss y'all and miss hearing and reading about y'all. I just don't have time to sit on the net like I used to when living back in UAE . Now, I do everything and it's very time consuming. : / Well, on to my little entry. I actually made myself come and write about something. Enjoy.

Have you ever been at a certain place in your life and never imagined that years later your life would change so drastically? I was looking at old pictures of the past and found this one picture of Abo Azooz (my ex husband) at the beginning of our marriage. We were sitting next to each other and we were laughing so hard. I remember that day. I remember it so vivid. It's funny how life can change so fast. Ten years later, I'm divorced, have a son from Abo Azooz and living back in the States. Yeah, it makes me dizzy to think about how time goes on no matter what happens in one's life. It seems that my feelings have gotten really deep since the divorce and I can almost go though my life and my memories are a video. The things that once mattered so much in my life, has taken a turn on to another road. Each direction going different ways...All last week I had a lot of alone time.. Ya'll are probably thinking,"What does she mean, 'alone time'? She has a son who's with her 24/7 and is never alone". Just to let y'all know, Abo Azooz (Azooz's father) came to visit him. I think it's wonderful that he comes every couple of months to see him and the opportunity for them to see each other is phenomenal. I love it. He took him for days. The first day he took him, my daughter and I went to a movie together. We've never ever been away from Azooz like this and it was so strange. We ate dinner together as well. In fact my feelings of being away from my dear son were so mixed. I loved the alone time with my daughter, but of course I didn't like that feeling of not having my son with us. Was I relaxed? Mentally, I was relaxed. He was with his father and he's a great dad so, I relaxed that way.

But, on the other hand, it wasn't normal to me. I found myself thinking of him and wondering what he was doing. I would call him before he would go to bed and his little voice was such a comforting sound. I missed his naughtiness and missed him throwing little fits if he didn't get his way. OMG, how could I miss this annoying stuff? Easy, I'm his mom and I love him. Funny how us moms put up with so much and as soon as those little ones wrap their arms around you and tell you they love you, your heart melts and you forget everything bad that they did.. I truly think only moms can forget so easily. But, you know this time away from my son gave me a lot of free time to think..

The last day Abo Azooz was here, my heart broke. I always tell myself, I won't feel anything when he leaves. But, I find myself so empathetic toward him, because after all, he's a father and he is my son's father.. He loves him like I do. He's a part of him. When I looked out my window and saw him saying farewell to our son, I couldn't help but cry. I had to stop myself. I had guest over for dinner and surely didn't want anyone to get upset to see me hurt. My heart broke all over again.. But, it was different this time.. This time it broke only for my son.. He doesn't see his father everyday and doesn't get to show his love to his father. Time changes your feelings over time. But, I do know something.. I know that I will never stop praying for Abo Azooz. I know his heart shatters each time he leaves. I don't think I will ever stop feeling this as long as I'm living here in the States.
Abo Azooz saying good-bye to Azooz. :'(

I will find my path clear someday. It's clearer than last year and getting clearer everyday. I 'm  an optimist. One door closes and the other door opens. Never give up hope.

final whisper: He's the whisper in your wind
He's your imaginary friend
And I know he's always in your prayers.. Yes, Abo Azooz, he loves and misses you. 
Because life is beautiful.

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